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To Beer We Will Worship

 

Brigade Quartermasters, Ltd.


Beer Prayer

Our lager,
Which art in barrels,
Hallowed be thy drink.
Thy will be drunk,
(I will be drunk),
At home as it is in the pub.
Give us this day our foamy head,
And forgive us our spillages,
As we forgive those who spill against us.
And lead us not to incarceration,
But deliver us from hangovers.
For thine is The Beer, The Bitter, and The Lager.
For ever and ever.

BARMEN.


BEER TROUBLESHOOTING

SYMPTOM:
FAULT:
ACTION

Feet cold and wet.
Glass being held at incorrect angle.
Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

SYMPTOM:
FAULT:
ACTION

Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
Glass empty
Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM:
FAULT:
ACTION

Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
You have fallen over backward.
Have yourself lashed to bar.

SYMPTOM:
FAULT:
ACTION

Mouth contains cigarette butts.
You have fallen forward.
See above

SYMPTOM:
FAULT:
ACTION

Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.

SYMPTOM:
FAULT:
ACTION

Feet warm and wet.
Improper bladder control.
Stand next to nearest dog, complain about his housetraining.

SYMPTOM:
FAULT:
ACTION

Floor blurred.
You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
Get someone to buy you another beer

SYMPTOM:
FAULT:
ACTION

Floor moving.
You are being carried out.
Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

SYMPTOM:
FAULT:
ACTION

Room seems unusually dark.
Bar has closed.
Confirm home address with bartender.

SYMPTOM:
FAULT:
ACTION

Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.
Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
Cover mouth.


[Free

09/23/06