Joke Collections

A husband and wife go visit a marriage counselor. First, the wife speaks to the counselor alone. The counselor asks, "You say you've been married 20 years, so what seems to be the problem?"

The wife replies, "It's my husband -- he's driving me crazy! I'm going to leave him if he continues!"

"How does he drive you crazy?"

"For 20 years," she says, "he's been doing these stupid things. First, whenever we go out, he's always looking at the floor and refuses to go near anyone. It's very embarrassing."

The marriage counselor is amused, "Anything else?"

"He keeps picking his nose all the time! Even in public!"

"Hmm, anything else?"

The wife hesitates, "whenever we're making love, he NEVER lets me be on top! Once in a while, I'd like to be in control!"

"Ah," says the counselor, "I think I'll talk to your husband now."

So the wife goes out of the room and the husband enters. The counselor tells him, "Your wife says that you've been driving her crazy. She might even leave you."

The husband looks shocked, "WHAT? For 20 years I've been loving and considerate and I've always given her what she wants! What could be the problem?"

The counselor explains, "She says that you've got these habits that are driving her crazy. First, you're always acting strange in public--looking at the floor and never going near anyone else."

The husband looks concerned, "Oh, you don't understand! It's one of the few things my father told me to do on his death bed and I swore I'd obey everything he said."

"What did he say?"

"He said that I should never step on anyone's toes!"

The counselor looks amused, "Actually, that means that you should not do anything that would cause anyone else to get angry."

The husband looks sheepish, "Oh. Okay."

The counselor continues, "And you keep picking your nose in public."

"Well, its another thing my father specifically commanded me to do! He told me to always keep my nose clean."

The counselor looks faint, "That means that you should not indulge in any criminal activity."

"Oh," says the husband looking very stupid.

"And finally, she says that you never allow her to be on top during your lovemaking."

"This," says the husband seriously, "is the last thing my father commanded me to do on his deathbed and it's the most important thing."

"What did he say?"

The husband replies, "In his dying breath, he said, 'Don't screw up.'"

A man complained to his coworker that he didn't know what to get his wife for her birthday.

"She already has everything you could think of, and she can buy herself whatever she likes."

"Here's an idea," said the colleague. "Make up your own gift certificate that says, 'Thirty minutes of great loving, any way you want it.' I guarantee she'll be enchanted."

The next day, Arnold's colleague asked, "Well? Did you take my suggestion?"

"Yes," said Arnold.

"Did she like it?"

"Oh, yes! She jumped up kissed me on the forehead, and ran out of the door yelling, 'See you in 30 minutes!'"

A woman accompanies her husband to the doctor's office. After
his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone.

He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease,
combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following,
your husband will surely die."

"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make
sure he is in a good mood. For lunch, make him a nutritional meal.
for dinner, prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden
him with chores, as he probably had a hard day. Don't discuss your
problems with him, for it will only make his stress worse. Most
importantly, make love with your husband several times a week and
satisfy his every whim. If you can do this for the next ten months
to one year, I think your husband will regain his health completely.

On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?"

"You're going to die," she replied.