Joke Collections

A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want to get off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all you sons of bitches who are returning and want to get on, get you asses on the train now, cause we are going down the tracks!"

The mother went into the living room and told her son "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now go to your room and stay for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may go back and play with your train, but only if you use nice language."

Two hours later, the boy came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon."

She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

Then the child added, "And for those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, see the bitch in the kitchen."

Little Johnny and his family lived in the country, and as a result seldom had guests. He was eager to help his mother after his father appeared with two dinner guests from the office.

When the dinner was nearly over, Little Johnny went to the kitchen and proudly carried in the first piece of apple pie, giving it to his father who passed it to a guest. Little Johnny came in with a second piece of pie and gave it to his father, who again gave it to a guest.

This was too much for Little Johnny, who said, "It's no use, Dad. The pieces are all the same size."

One morning Bobby's mother was cleaning his room, and she found an S&M magazine under the bed. She was beside herself worrying and stressing trying to think of how to handle the situation.

Finally her husband came home from work and he asked her how her day was. The mother told him about the magazine. Shaking, she asked him how they were going handle this situation.

Her husband sat there for awhile, sighed, and said, "Well, I guess spanking him is out of the question."

A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said to him, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your bible a little, and get your hair cut, then we will talk about it"

A month later the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said, "Son, I'm real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied your bible diligently, but you didn't get hair cut!"

The young man waited a moment and replied, "You know dad, I've been thinking about that. You know Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair."

His father replied, "Yes son, and they walked everywhere they went!"

A lovely little girl is entering class for the first time when a friendly little boy approaches her. "My name's Ted," he says, "What's yours?" "Happy Butt," the little girl replies. "I'm going to tell the teacher on you for lying!" the boy shouts. He goes to the teacher and says that the little girl has lied to him about her name.

"What is your name?" asks the teacher. "Happy Butt," says the little girl.

"No, no," the teacher says. "What is your real name?" "Happy Butt," the little girl insists.

"Shame on you for lying," says the teacher. "You go straight to the principal's office right this minute!"

"Why are you here?" the principal asks. "They think I'm lying when I tell them my name is Happy Butt," the little girl says.

"Your name can't be Happy Butt," the principal says. "I'm going to call your mother and straighten this out. You mustn't lie to us about your name." The principal calls the mother and says, "We have your little girl here and she keeps telling us her name is 'Happy Butt.'"

"Oh," says the mother, "that must be Gladys."

"Little girl," the principal says, "your mother says your name is Gladys." The little girl says, "Happy Butt, Glad Ass, what's the difference?"

Parents spend two years teaching their children to walk and talk
And the next 16 telling them to shut up and sit down.

Ain't Kids Great?

The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employees home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered, "Hello?".

Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster, the boss asked, "Is your Daddy home?". "Yes," whispered the small voice. "May I talk to him?", the man asked. To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, "NO."

Wanting to talk to an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?". "Yes" came the answer. "May I talk with her?". Again the small voice whispered, "No!".

Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child. "Is there any one there besides you?", the boss asked the child.

"Yes", whispered the child, "A policeman." Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?".

"No, he's busy," whispered the child. "Busy doing what?" asked the boss. "Talking to Mommy and Daddy and the Fireman.", came the whispered answer.

Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, "What is that noise?". "A hello-copper." answered the whispering voice.

"What is going on there on there?", asked the boss, now alarmed. In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper!"

Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustrated, the boss asked, "Why are they there?"

Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle,

"They're looking for me!"

Q. What do you call a teenager talking on the phone,
and watching TV with the radio on?

A. Studying

A teacher was working with a group of children, trying to broaden their horizons through sensory exploration. With their eyes closed, they would feel objects from pumice stones to pine cones and smell aromatic herbs and exotic fruits.

Then one day, the teacher brought in a great variety of lifesavers, more flavors than you could ever imagine. "Children, I'd like you to close your eyes and taste these," announced the teacher. Without difficulty, they managed to identify the taste of cherries, lemons, and mint, but when the teacher had them put honey flavored lifesavers in their mouths, everyone of the children was stumped. "I'll give you a hint," said the teacher. "It's something your Daddy and Mommy probably call each other all the time."

Instantly, one of the children spat the lifesaver out of his mouth and shouted, "Spit 'em out, you guys, they're assholes!"